by Emily Mills

	The sun was low and threatening to sink behind the hills and throw 
the valley into complete darkness. The sheep were huddled in the very 
centre of the field and trying to sleep. One of them bleated very softly 
in a dream. A single star shone above, still faint in competition with the 
setting sun. 
	Steve was full now and he lay back on the blanket Dammit had provided 
a few minutes earlier. Helen was still staring at the sky with a very confused 
look on her face. It had been hours of silence but Dammit was quite 
patiently looking at Helen and waiting for her to speak. Suddenly, Helen's 
face relaxed and her eyes began to see what was actually around her again.
	"So," she began very quietly. "You're God then."
	Dammit smiled and nodded. Helen appeared to begin the deep thinking 
again but only for an instant. Just as quickly as her face had relaxed it now 
became incredibly angry. She leapt forward towards Dammit and punched 
her in the nose. Dammit, not expecting this at all, fell backwards and was so 
stunned that she did nothing to stop the blood from flowing out of her nostrils. 
	"You asshole!" she screamed. "So all along you HAVE existed! Quietly and 
happily residing in this damned valley. Away from the world so you 
could do what you do and not have to face the people you do it to! 
Coward! And you use the excuse that no one believes in you anymore 
so OF COURSE you couldn't be around us! All-powerful God is afraid of 
some humans who might not believe you? Believe in you? So what if they 
didn't? You're God, right? How could a few measly humans matter, eh? 
And that's all we are to you, right?" Helen had now worked herself up
into a perfect rage. Dammit was absolutely stunned but Steve simply sat 
and watched Helen rant.
	"RIGHT? So what's a few wars to you? Hm? A few murders and rapes here 
and there. What's some little girls innocent mother? You sadistic son of a 
bitch!" and with that she lunged for Dammit again. This time, however, 
Steve jumped up and stopped Helen, grabbing her arms tightly and pulling 
her to the ground.
	"Let me go!" she screamed. Steve held fast.
	"Settle down and then I'll let you go!"
	"Bastard! I'll fucking kill it!" she wailed and struggled to get free of his 
hold. Through all of this Dammit had calmly dabbed the blood from her 
nose and sat up. Now she placed her hand on Helen's forehead and spoke.
	"Calm down child."
	Helen stopped fighting and, out of breath, looked at Dammit. 
	"You can hit me all you like. I'm afraid it won't do a lot of good, but if it 
makes you feel better go ahead," Dammit said plainly. Steve let go of Helen's 
arms and moved back. She was even more confused now.
	"Now that I exist you have someone to blame though, right?" Dammit's 
matter-of-fact tone infuriated Helen.
	"What do you mean?" she asked.
	"I can't imagine what my existence does to your perception of the world. 
If I had thought this out better I would have devised a way to break it to 
you more gently," she paused and looked to Steve. He blushed. "But now it's 
done. Yes, I do exist. Call me what you like, hit me all you want. But please 
place no blame other than for basic creation on me. I didn't kill your 
mother, or any human ever for that matter."
	"Well what the hell did then?" Helen demanded.
	"Time, circumstance, human free-will. You can blame me for giving 
humans their free-will but you can't blame me for how they use it."
	"But you can't sit there and tell me you never intervene, never play a 
part in anything that goes on around here."
	Dammit smiled at the sky and then at Steve. Helen sighed.
	"You complete bastard," she thought for a minute. "If you're really God, 
prove it. I don't mean to sound devilish or anything, but you must 
understand my skepticism."
	"Oh of course. Quite understandable," Dammit replied without hesitation 
and then continued, "but haven't I already 'proved' this to you just by 
bringing you here? What more do you need?"
	Helen brought her knees up to her chest and folded her arms around 
them. She thought for a moment and then said,
	"Make it rain."
	Steve coughed nervously.
	"Are you sure that's what you want?" Dammit asked.	
	"Yeah, why not?"
	Dammit tilted her head back so that her face was to the sky and she 
began to sob a little. Immediately, gray clouds formed overhead and a 
slow drizzle started to fall.
	"Is this enough? or do you need more?" Dammit asked, still sobbing 
ever-so gently. Helen merely stared at her in amazement. Steve pulled 
the blanket over his head, sensing that this was not the end of the little 
demonstration. Dammit began to cry harder now and the rain responded 
appropriately, now a steady shower. 
	"It's just rain, it doesn't prove anything!" Helen argued but this only 
made Dammit start to really wail and again the rain responded. The 
shower became a full-out downpour. Helen was soaked to the bone, 
Steve was hiding beneath the blanket, and Dammit was completely dry. 
The unfortunate sheep who had been trying to sleep in the open field 
were caught completely off guard by this sudden cloudburst. They were 
now bleating angrily at each other, figuring (in their little sheep brains) 
that one of their own had caused this annoyance. 
	"Shouldn't we dry them off before they shrink?" Steve teased from 
under the blanket having noticed the unhappy sheep. Dammit laughed. 
Helen was staring straight up, watching the droplets of rain fall directly at her. 
	Steve stood up and took off the blanket, immediately becoming totally soaked.
	"What are you doing?" Dammit asked. Steve just giggled and then 
ran out from under the tree and began prancing and hopping around 
in the field. He stomped his foot into puddles and caught the rain on 
his tongue. Dammit was absolutely enthralled and she followed his lead 
by running out into the field and playing in the rain. Helen stared 
menacingly at them, soaked, from under the tree. Watching them play, 
however, began to chip away at her anger and she found herself 
giggling as she looked on. Finally, as Steve did a cartwheel in the mud, 
she too stood and ran into the open field. 

	The sheep were completely befuddled by these mud-covered, dancing idiots.

	"I should take on human form more often! I forget how wonderful it is!" 
Dammit yelled over the din of the falling rain. Helen was chasing Steve 
around a large mud puddle with a threatening glob of earth in her hands. 
	"It's not always so great!" she shouted back. "Sometimes it hurts like hell!"
	Dammit paused and stared at Helen.
	"Hell?"
	"Yes Hell," Helen answered, still chasing Steve, "So?"
	"You believe in Hell?"
	"No," Helen laughed, not really paying attention, as she dumped the 
mud over Steve's head, "I don't. It's an expression. I meant that sometimes 
being human can hurt like you wouldn't believe."
	"You are incredibly vulnerable creatures," Dammit agreed, "and moody too."	
	Helen stuck her tongue out at her and then turned back to Steve and 
shoved him down into the mud. The rain stopped.
	Helen and Steve froze mid-play and stared at Dammit. A bit of mud oozed 
down Steve's face and dripped off his chin.
	"What did ya do that for?" Helen demanded.
	"The demonstration is over. You got your proof," God answered and began 
walking back to the tree. Helen and Steve exchanged confused glances.
	"Wait a sec," Steve gurgled as he stood and ran up along side Dammit. 
"What's up?"
	"The sky," God replied.
	"No no no. I mean, what is going on? Are you upset or something?"
	"Me? No of course not! I don't get upset, silly boy," God answered, a bit 
unsure of herself.
	"What do you mean, 'I don't get upset'? What about all that stuff where 
you flood the whole world or destroy towers that babble?" Steve insisted, 
annoyed. The sun set.
	
	"Tower of Babble," Dammit corrected him.
	"Whatever. Point is, you do get upset, so are you now?"
	Dammit took a moment to think about it.
	"Okay, I do get angry from time to time. Lately I haven't really had the 
chance though. I'm pretty isolated here so mostly my emotional state is 
just that of loneliness."
	"You could always leave," Steve suggested.
	"Yes, I suppose I could. But what for? What good would it do?"
	"I dunno, but it'd sure be interesting," he joked.
	 Helen spoke then.
	"I don't get you. You're GOD. Why are you so scared of going back?"
	"Who said anything about being scared?" Dammit asked, annoyed.
	"No one, but it's obvious. You're afraid to go back. You have a fear of 
rejection. But c'mon, you're God. Why should something like that scare you? 
There will always be people who don't believe in you. That's just how it is. 
In my humble opinion, the world needs you. I need you. I've needed you 
for my whole life and you weren't there. That's why I'm so fucking angry with you."
	"See! If I got back now, everyone will be mad at me for leaving! for not 
being there! But it was you who stopped believing and when no one 
believes, I'm done for. That wasn't my fault," God said and plopped 
down unhappily into a mudpuddle. 
	"Sure it was our fault we stopped believing in you, but how long ago 
was that? It was long before anyone alive today was around. That 
was our great-grandparents generation. Why should we suffer for 
something they did?" Steve asked. "I've believed in you since the 
day I first read about you in a history book! A HISTORY book, for 
Pete's sake. That's where they've put you, ya know. You've become 
a passing fad! A part of what some historians call humankind's 'God Period'."
	"'God period'?" Dammit giggled. "I'm a fad now, eh? Well I never 
thought it would end at that."
	"Neither did a lot of people," Helen chimed in. "Like I said, a lot of 
people have never, will never, believe in you but that's fine. You were 
the one who gave them the free will to do that with, so why are you 
so upset? I'm surprised you didn't see it coming."
	"Oh I saw it coming all right. I just chose not to see it," Dammit said 
and laid back into the mud. It made a squelching noise beneath her.
	
	The stars were out in full force now, shining down on the three lone 
figures in the valley. One star turned to the star next to it and said,
	"Wanna hear a joke?"
	The other star answered that it would and so the first star continued.
	"Did you know that there's baseball in the Bible?" it asked.
	"Uh...no. I didn't," the other star replied.
	"Yeah, it's in Genesis. You know, 'In the big-inning.'"
	"Oh c'mon, that was terrible!" the second star grumbled.
	"I rather like it," the first star said sadly and turned away.
	
	"We're getting nowhere with you, are we?" Helen asked, her voice 
reflecting a good deal of exhaustion. 
	"What?" God asked as she stared at the twinkling stars above.
	"What can we do to convince you to come back?" Steve asked. Dammit 
thought for a minute.
	"Convince me that there would be any point."
	Helen stood and walked a few feet away from where they were sitting 
and looked up at the sky.  Then she turned and faced Dammit, who was still 
lying in the mud.
	"Before today I was completely bitter. I hated the world and most of 
the people in it. I have had one bad experience after another in my life 
and there was nothing there for me to cling to throughout. Nothing to lean 
on because I wasn't as fortunate as some people who were taught to rely 
on themselves and the people they love. That was never enough for me. 
I needed something bigger, something constant. But I didn't have that and 
so I got angry and started to unconsciously make my life worse.  Then 
today, suddenly there is something bigger, something totally constant that 
will never die on me. I find out that God has existed all along! That's why 
I was so pissed off at you when I first realized! I thought you had 
purposely turned your back on us. Now I know better, that at least initially 
it wasn't you, it was us. But now it is your fault because you haven't come 
back. Some people don't need you, never will, and that's all fine and good, 
but some of us do. And I firmly believe that even if only a few people 
need you, that should be enough."
	There was a lengthy pause then as Dammit closed her eyes and was very 
still. Steve looked at Helen, who was staring at the sky again. A breeze kicked up. 
	"OK." Dammit said quietly, her eyes still closed.
	"What?" Helen asked, startled. Steve looked at Dammit.
	"I said OK. I'll go back."
	Helen and Steve stared at each other, stunned.
	"I don't even want to know what will happen when I return, but I will. 
So don't blame me when people start fighting and killing and claiming 
they're doing it all in my name. God, I hate that. And don't blame me 
when all of the persecution starts and all of the controversy. Maybe 
this time I'll just have to make a press release of something, stating exactly 
what it is I do and what I actually have control over. What I really want 
and what I think is right. Maybe that will save you all a lot of trouble, eh?" 
God chuckled.
	"That's a damn good idea," Steve said and smiled. Helen let out a long sigh. 
A sheep bleated in its sleep. Dammit stood up (with no mud on her, of course) 
and smiled wearily.
	"This is gonna be hard. I don't even rightly know what the world is like 
these days. I've only been listening in a little. Would you two mind 
bringing me up to date?"
	"Of course not. We'd love to," Steve replied with only a glance at Helen. 
But she smiled and nodded in agreement. Dammit looked pleased.
	"Good. You'll be much better company than sheep."

	
*EXCLUSIVE: GOD ISSUES PRESS RELEASE UPON RETURN TO WORLD*
Populous in Uproar

	Upon the recent release of a statement from God that was printed in every newspaper around 
the world, numerous states have reported severe fighting breaking out. Officials speaking on 
behalf of the president issued this statement, "This whole God-thing has sparked obvious 
feelings of joy and anger among the people. We ask that everyone remain calm until such 
time as we have been able to fully interrogate God and figure out what her stance is on everything. 
This will make it possible to avoid unnecessary conflict." 
Inside sources have also recently confirmed that God has hired a large staff of legal personnel who 
will handle any claims made against her. As was said in God's press release, "I wish to avoid the 
nasty conflicts of the past that were direct results of people misinterpreting my will. I hope that this 
time around, my presence will only cause good things. I also understand that not everyone believes 
in me, and that's fine. I really don't mind. So for those of you who would persecute these individuals 
on my behalf, please don't. I'm here for those of you who need me and that's that."
Experts are still baffled as to the meaning of God's final statement, "By the way, who is Pete?"

*EXCLUSIVE: GOD TO MARRY RIGHT-HAND "MAN"*
	It has been confirmed that the rumours of God's marriage to her right-hand "man" are true. 
Helen Eveston, who was one of the two people who first discovered that God still existed, made the 
following statement about her upcoming marriage to the deity- "We just fell for each other. You 
work with someone long enough and sometimes it just happens."
	This recent development has caused many critics of same-sex marriages to rethink their stances. 
All fifty states had legalized same-sex marriages since the recoming of God (causing Hawaii a 
substantial loss in tourist revenue) but many people were still unsure of it, mostly because of religious 
convictions. 
	"I should remind people that I'm not actually female. I'm not even human, for that matter. Though 
I do think same-sex marriages are totally fine, please keep in mind that this is not the case as I am God, 
and therefor have no gender. This is a marriage of souls, not bodies. By the way, I still haven't found 
out who this Pete is."

*EXCLUSIVE: GOD RELEASES AUTOBIOGRAPHY
God has released an autobiography that is said to detail every event It was involved with. From the 
dawning of time to present day, God will reveal what the True story is for every story that ever was. 
The autobiography will be published in a number of volumes as it is too long for a single book. God 
issued the following warning concerning the book-
"This will probably mean that all of your history books will have to be rewritten and I am fully prepared 
to foot the bill for that. But any conflicts resulting from this are not my fault. Please be prepared."
God has also decided to take a vacation to an undisclosed location when the book is released.